Post by Jacob Dylan Rymore on Feb 16, 2009 18:36:51 GMT
“I got a letter of acceptance from the University of Chicago” Jake murmured quietly, tightening his arm around Hart’s smaller waist, and squinting tiredly at the bedside clock on the wooden sidetable which told him it was half past ten in the morning. There was a pause before Hart replied with “...Chicago?… Really?” and Jake smiled softly, staring up at the white ceiling above them both. The two hadn’t really spoken about this before, they both knew it was going to happen. Jake was eighteen, he was leaving school in a few months, but they’d both just decided to disregard it for the time being. “Yeah…” Jake said, nodding his head as he said it, squeezing Harts side gently and covering a yawn with the back of his other hand. “I have an audition though, next week…” he added, pushing back his hair so it was out of his eyes. “Good luck?” came the quieter reply and Jake felt Hart place a quick kiss on his shoulder. Jake forced a smile; that was the end of that conversation.
***
It was that time of the year again. Exams were over and summer was literally around the corner for the students at Brooklyn Academy. But summer had come early for some, the finals were over for everyone in Senior year, universities had been chosen and they’d already been accepted for the following semester. This was the time when they left school early, in an attempt to arrive early before the beginning of the next year started, getting to know there fellow students and the area of which they’d be living in for the next few years.
Jake was leaving Brooklyn, well leaving New York, for pretty much good. He would be staying with his parents and younger brother, Caleb, during the summer holidays, and then his Dad had helped him look for an apartment over in Illinois, Chicago. Jacob had refused to spend another few years of his life with a room mate in a dormitory.
Jake had known that this time was coming; he just hadn’t expected June to come so fast. He’d already said goodbye to the few of his friends that he actually did value, among them being his long term room mate Simon, and surprisingly enough, Estelle, his drama partner. It wasn’t as bad as he’d thought it’d be, saying goodbye to everyone that was, Jake’s philosophy has always been not to get that close. Then you wouldn’t feel so torn apart when or if you ever had to leave that person. Well, that hadn’t really worked for him to well this year.
After wishing those that he would actually care if they got smashed by a bus or something, to have fun, good luck and best wishes for the future, and after being told by Estelle not to act so emo at Drama school, Jake made his way up to his dormitory to collect his case and bags.
It felt strange leaving a place that he’d spent almost five years at, and though a little reluctant to admit it, he would actually miss the academy more than he could actually imagine. It wasn’t even the academy in general, most of what made the school were the people who inhabited it. He would miss a lot of people. Heck, he’d probably even miss his drama teacher, Mr Hall.
Clambering up the stair case which led to the second floor of the boys dormitories Jake thought back to the time when he had first walked up those steps, and been shown his dormitory. He was fourteen then, the same age as Hart, and Caleb, now. Wow, that weird to think about.
He reached the landing, the surroundings deadly silent, as if everyone in their dormitories knew that this was a somewhat depressing day for almost half of the school and its pupils. Sighing to himself Jake placed his key into the lock of number three on last time, turning the small metal device and entering the spotless, for once, room. He left the key inside the lock; it wasn’t like he’d need it again.
His bags were on the bed closest to the window, the one he’d slept in for most of his school life at Brooklyn and where of course he’d left them before the leaver’s assembly. The eighteen year old ran a hand through his messy brown hair and slowly paced over to the bed to collect his packed up belonging. The room felt empty, it was empty without his and Simon’s crap all over the floor, laughing to himself Jake grabbed his bands and left the room not wanting to stay any longer, dwelling on the fact he wasn’t returning.
The plan was that Jake’d dump his stuff in his car and then meet Hart in his room to say goodbye. The two had never really spoken about it, about Jake leaving, knowing it would come when it came. Walking down the stairs again Jake silently wished he was a few years younger.
Unlocking his recently fixed car, fixed for what could seem like the billionth time by his Dad, Jake opened the door to the back seats and chucked his case on the leather coated seats. It was quite amusing if you thought about it, that Jake had screwed up his car so many times and he was only eighteen. Locking the car again with a press of a button, he stuffed the keys back into the pocket of his worn black skinnies before turning around again, heading towards the school building. It wouldn’t take him long to reach Harts dormitory, he could probably walk there with his eyes closed, he’d been there that many of times.
***
As Jake entered the building, closing the glass door carefully behind him he almost collided with a small running bundle. “Wooah” He laughed, stepping backwards to let whoever it was past, and then he noticed who it was. Holly Kennedy. His biggest fan. His smile was wiped from his face, this was slightly awkward, he hadn’t any insults to throw at her currently, and his mind was far too distracted.
Holly stopped in front of him, tucking her long blonde hair behind her ears and looking Jake up and down. She put her hands on her hips as if waiting for an apology of some sort.
“Sorry?” Jake said, laughing slightly at her posture, his laughter seemed to make the Junior laugh too and she let her arms fall carelessly by her sides.
“So, you’re leaving then?” She asked, sounding pleased, but not so pleased it was irritating to Jake. Grinning Jake nodded to her question, “Unfortunately, …yeah” He answered. Holly snorted and mimicked his “Unfortunately” dripping with sarcasm.
“I’ll be out of your way at last” Jake smiled, not sure why he was being nice to her, then again it was his last day, he needed to be. She giggled at his statement and nodded, “Well, bye then?” Holly replied, zipping up her bright pink hoodie, also thinking that it wouldn’t hurt to be nice for a few minutes.
With a half forced smile Jake held up a hand as if to wave, “Bye, Holly” He said with a grin, quite proud that he hadn’t called her Barbie for once.
“Well, this is getting awkward…” Holly laughed, fiddling with her hair again and leaning to the left slightly, glancing out of the glass doors behind Jake.
“Just a little” He grinned, moving out of her way again, with another smile Holly waved herself, “Have fun? I guess…” She giggled again and walked out of the double doors, disappearing around the corner. Rolling his eyes Jake found his hands back in his pockets and carried on down the corridor to find Hart’s dormitory.
As he walked slowly up the dull, silent corridor, hands stuffed in pockets Jake thought back to the beginning of the school year.
It must’ve started at the beginning of September, Jake and Hart. Jake could remember hearing about a rumour on the gossip wall that Hart had a massive crush on him. Then having been on the school chat room noticed Hart was upset about his secret coming out publicly. If Jake hadn’t of gone and found the younger boy when he’d signed out upset, well things might have turned out differently.
Luckily though Jake seemed to stumble upon what seemed like the right corridor. a boy, who looked like Hart was sat on a bench head in his hands. Must be fate or something, but Jacob was glad he hadn’t been looking for long. He continued down the corridor not sure if the younger boy had noticed him or not, “You should forget about the wall” he said, after seeing how upset Hart looked, he took his hands out of his pockets and sat beside the other boy. “You shouldn’t get this upset about something like that” he then said, god he was hopeless at giving advise, but really Jake didn’t know what to say or how to cheer him up. “I would offer you a tissue… but I’m all out” he said with a small laugh, thinking that maybe a joke would lighten the atmosphere. Maybe not.
*
Looking up at the ceiling, with his neck exposed, he felt vulnerable so he looked back at his shoes. Discreetly though, he watched Jake out the corner of his eye. It made his breath catch. Jake was so gorgeous, and Hart couldn’t imagine how it was possible to look so beautiful and make it seem so effortless. He also wondered why the hell he had to be so…different. Why’d he have to be the odd one in the family? Why him? Hart had only just started to admit to himself that he was probably gay, and it hurt real bad. Biting his lip, he looked up at Jake properly and opened his mouth to say something but lost his bottle and shut it again. Closing his eyes for a moment, he tried to rake together what he wanted to say.
“Jake I…I’m really sorry that…I wasn’t…I didn’t mean for …” Sighing irritably, he rubbed his eyes in frustration. It was so difficult to say what he wanted to say without sounding whiney.
“What I mean to say is, I didn’t ever mean for you to find out…I just thought it was this thing and it’d go away…I can’t believe Prosper did that,” he muttered, shaking his head and rubbing the back of his neck. Maybe Jake would understand, and they could just forget about this and even laugh about it in a week or two. The thought made Hart kind of scared. Scared that Jake would become even harder to reach because he gave the wrong impression. Hart didn’t want Jake to think he didn’t like him, or wasn’t interested. Hell, he didn’t think he’d ever get over Jake. He closed his eyes again, feeling his headache worsen.
*
Sending a smile to the other boy he glanced around the empty corridor for some reason becoming anxious, “It really doesn’t matter, and you shouldn’t care about the other kids, who gives a monkeys what they think..” he added, noticing he was doing the whole crap advice thing again, of course you’d care what other people would think. Taking another glance at the other boys face was a bad move, for god’s sake now he was actually sitting next to the boy he had to think the wrong feelings. But it was hard to forget, hart looked helpless, well kind of, maybe he just needed someone, someone to talk to or something. Jake really couldn’t stop what he did next and before he even knew it himself he’d leant forward to kiss the boy. Prat of the century, although when he pulled away almost as quick as he’s made the decision to move in, he must admit he didn’t feel that bad about it. But he still felt like a prick, he wasn’t supposed to be… suggestive or whatever the word was. Too late now.
Laughing silently at the memory of how scared he was back then in September, and how he thought he’d fucked everything up, he trudged further along the corridor, passing dormitory number one to his left. Crawling back through his thoughts Jake remembered the other rumour started that he’d slept with Hart, before he actually had of course.
After a few minutes of dodging faces and walking randomly around the school, he found himself sheltered by the locker room. At least nobody was here, he really didn’t want to talk to anyone at the moment in fear he might bite their head off, or the other way around. Swearing under his breath he leant beside one of the tall blue lockers, fiddling around in his pocket for his lighter. He hoped the corridor would stay silent as he flicked the metal switch and lit the white cylinder in his fingers, unless maybe it was one of his friends, or maybe Hart.
*
The faint wiff of smoke made Hart’s eyebrow quirk curiously as he made his way down the locker hall. Turning the corner, he saw someone leaning against a locker with a cigarette in his hand. Not just any someone. It was Jake. Hart felt his stomach leap, and his heart must have skipped a pulse as he lengthened his stride.
“Hey Jakie,” he chimed, smiling sweetly at him. He hardly had to hesitate as he reached up to wrap his arms round Jake’s neck, and pecked him on the cheek. Giggling, he blushed and wriggled in under Jake’s arm, taking his wrist and pressing it to his hip so that he was enclosed in his embrace. Trying hard not to cough when he got a wiff of smoke, he spluttered and looked away, feeling his eyes water at the bitter smell. But he got over it, and buried his face in Jake’s shoulder. It didn’t really occur to him that someone might be watching. He didn’t care.
“Are you okay?” he asked, frowning slightly. Had Jake seen what was on the wall yet? He wasn’t sure…But Hart really hoped he wasn’t angry at him or something. If there was anything he worried about more, it was that Jake might stop liking him because of all this. Whimpering slightly, he nuzzled closer into Jake, sighing against his shoulder as he remembered the night before. Waking up in the morning had been slightly more disorientating, but Hart had felt so happy as he’d wriggled quietly out of Jake’s grip and left the room. He hadn’t wanted to break the warm feeling he felt by waking Jake up. It seemed like something that should be kept to him-self, but the memory felt hollow now, as he remembered the implications that could have been made if someone had seen him leave Jake’s room at six in the morning.
Walking slowly still, taking his time to get to the right room, Jake recalled the moment on the beach him and Hart had once shared, before being interrupted by Holly rather awkwardly. Grinning to himself as he did, dragging his feet forward slightly, not really in that much of a rush to say goodbye to Hart just yet.
At midnight, they crept away from the school. Hart had been terrified of getting caught by the matron, but Jake promised him it’d be okay; he did it all the time. Pulling his coat tighter around his slender body, he nuzzled into Jake’s side when the other boy put his arm round Hart’s skinny shoulder. Cold air pressed in from all around, making him shiver as they walked in darkness. Sickly orange light pooled beneath rusty lamp posts, like oases of light in a concrete desert. They didn’t talk much, listening hard to their footsteps that seemed to echo endlessly in the quiet of night. Occasionally a car would rumble past, tyres hissing wetly on the damp tarmac. Hart stepped in a puddle accidentally, and made the back of his jeans wet. He started doubting this, but then Jake stopped and pulled him close to his body.
“Jakie?” Hart whispered, staring up into Jake’s eyes, his face dimly lit by nearby lamps.
“Hart I…” Jake looked away, and Hart frowned. What was he trying to say? Pressing closer to Jake’s body, Hart slipped his arms under Jake’s coat, feeling the warmth of the other boy’s body cease his shivering. Jake bent his head down and kissed Hart’s neck, breathing softly against the younger boy’s pale skin.
“I love you.” The three little words breathed against his neck seemed to make his heart stop. He didn’t know what to say.
*
As the both pulled away, breathing time, Hart managed to stammer, “You don’t think… anyone else is here do you?” the question really hadn’t occurred to Jake. Not that it mattered to him, although he wasn’t exactly sure if he wanted somebody walking along, he was too used to that feeling anyway. That always ended badly.
He shook his head, seemingly the amount of kissing that had occurred that evening taking his capability of speech away, but he glanced nervously down the beach anyway. No one else would be here, he was just acting paranoid. Shifting his arms, so that one was now each side of the boy’s upper body Jake lowered his head to plant a kiss on Harts nose. “Don’t worry, no one else would be out here” He didn’t sound pretty sure, but he knew he had to be right, who would really be out this late down at the beach.
Smiling he pressed his lips against Harts, “We’re alone” He whispered quietly, he wanted to add something like ‘for once’ but he didn’t know how Hart would take that.
Jake passed dormitory number two to his right, and continued walking, too involved in his pile of memories to look up at anyone else walking down the corridor.
His smile faltered slightly as he remembered something else. He’d been caught by Hart kissing Chloe some time after the beach incident, well Chloe was kissing him, but of course it would have looked wrong.
“Hart, Its me, Hart-, please pick up-" Jake said hurriedly, “I’m sorry, okay, I really am, I know you don’t believe me, but I wouldn’t just go and do something like that-" Beep.“For Fucks sake!” Jacob yelled, where the hell did he put his old phone charger?
“You and toy boy had another fight or something?” Simon piped up, now out of his chair and standing next to the open fridge, “Must have been bad, mate you look fucking awful…”putting it nice and bluntly.
Jacob ignored him, blowing a trail of smoke out of his mouth, and shoving the Nokia in his pocket. Without a word he stormed out of the room again walking briskly down the corridor which linked the boy’s dormitories together. He had no idea where Hart had gone, and there wasn’t much point in going after him. Not now anyway.
He clenched his jaw tight in order not to scream, as he left the building by the fire exit. Letting out a groan, and clenching his head with his hands, careful not to set his hair alight with the lit cigarette, Jacob slid down the cold brick wall outside. He couldn’t believe that one thing, one thing that was actually working out, the one thing he’d put almost all his effort into keeping, had literally been taken away from him, because of one stupid kiss.
It was unfair, in simple words. Jacob didn’t know whether to blame Chloe or himself, it was stupid. Over a fucking kiss. His hands dropped to his side, and Jake let out a strangled sob. Wiping the tears away with his free hand, he sniffed, whacking his head against the bricks behind him, and tried to force himself not to cry.
Jake was glad that had been sorted out, but over the past year there had been many things that were almost as bad. Almost hurt as much. The time Hart had told him he’d cheated on him with his best friend, Marco. Jake seriously didn’t know what to think then, he couldn’t even remember what he did. It was one of those memories you try and forget. All he could remember was grabbing his jacket from the hanger on the back of his door, slamming it in fury and telling Hart not to be there when he got back. Another moment that Jake hated to relive, even inside his head was the time he’d found Hart sprawled across the car park floor.
Gazing up for one last time, Hart looked down at the razor and the glasses clutched in each hand. Snapping the arm of his glasses between his thumb and fingers, he used the sharp edge that was made to twist the screw on the razor. Prising away a blade, he turned it in his fingers with shaking nerves. Nothing...nothing was in his mind. Dropping his broken glasses, he crushed them under his foot. Glancing round, he made sure that he was alone before pressing one of the razor blade’s sharp corners to his wrist. Oh hell... He hadn’t thought much about it when he suddenly decided to come outside. This was all a spur of the moment kind of thing, but suddenly he felt a hook in his flesh; Jake. Could he really, honestly do this to Jake? Well, the answer was no. But Jake would...have to just...get over it. Being with Jake hurt so much sometimes – he knew it was wrong. He shouldn’t love a man. He shouldn’t...shouldn’t love at all. Sighing, he ripped the blade across his flesh, and felt a scream erupt from his throat as a warm rush of blood flowed across his arm. He felt himself sway, and slump down to his knees on the hard tarmac, and his head had hit the concrete long after his consciousness slipped away. It split the skin on the side of his head, and a piece of grit gouged into his cheek, spilling blood under his head and soaking into his messy long hair.
*
His hands clenched into fists, the skin tightening over his knuckles, this was so stressful. He wasn’t used to worrying about people. He fished a half full packet of Marlboro’s out of his other pocket and his old red lighter.
Seeing as he was on the ground floor it was the perfect opportunity for a break, maybe he needed to think over the last few days, had he said anything… had Hart said anything?
It was quite cold outside, despite the low sun in the sky, and Jacob shivered in his lime green hoodie as he cross the zebra crossing of the car park, lit cigarette in hand. He froze half way across the almost deserted road.
A boy on the floor half, a few metres away from he wall. Lying on the floor. Hang on. Wait. They were Hart's converse... Brown eyes flew down the bricked wall. Falling on the supposedly unconscious freshman. Hart. It was Hart. Oh my God.
It took Jacob more than a second to physically realise that it was Hart who was a few metres in front of him, thin streams of blood on the ground beside him. His feet however didn’t seem to need telling. He was at the boy’s side in an instant. “H-Hart…” not knowing what to say as his hands shook the boys shoulders, biting his lip as he noticed the gash on his head. “..F-Fuck-- Oh my fucking god…” he muttered in shock, disbelief… as he noticed the fresh cuts across Hart’s wrists. “Hart what the hell have you done!” He muttered to himself, though much louder than he had expected.
Jake looked to his left, to his right, no one was around, he had no idea what the fuck he was supposed to do. He hastily turned back to Hart. Was he even breathing? He was. That was a good sign. Right? “Shit… Shit…Shiiiiiiit” He wept, obviously trying his hardest not to let the emotional side of him flood over, he had to concentrate on getting Hart… to wake up or something. “Hart, baby, can you hear me? Jesus, come on… can you hear me… answer me goddamit!” He cursed. Why the hell would Hart do this to himself, Jake didn’t understand. Did he not think he could talk to his boyfriend, or even his sisters? He didn’t understand at all.
Shaking his head as he passed dormitory number three, in an attempt to shake the memory from his mind, Jake let his thoughts wander to another happy memory. It appeared to stop at the time he’d spontaneously asked Hart to come to California with him over the holidays, just after the two had got back together after about a week of not talking.
Lying on his back, Hart shivered when Jake’s cold fingers cautiously slipped under the hem of his shirt, and Hart put his hand on Jake’s to stop the feverous searching. It was too early for that. Their eyes locked again and Jake seemed to have something he desperately wanted to tell Hart, but he couldn’t force it from his throat. Jake opened his mouth, and then closed it again (Hart almost laughed at Jake’s famous goldfish impression). Eventually, Hart sat up and rested his head on Jake’s shoulder, stroking his hand slightly shyly along the older boy’s thigh.
“I’m sorry about what I said on the chat room yesterday...” Hart murmured, gazing deep into Jake’s warm brown eyes. Jake shrugged gently, putting an arm around Hart’s waist.
“My parents bought me a car,” he said, brushing a strand of hair away from the young boy’s face. Hart’s expression became puzzled, trying to work out a connection between the two sentences.
“What relevance has-” Hart began to voice his confusion, but Jake cut him off.
“I want to make it up to you. They probably want me to use it to drive us down to New Jersey. I’ll just drop Caleb at the train station. We can just go away somewhere for the Christmas break. No one has to know, you can tell them you’re in New Jersey if you want and-”
“Wait, what?” it was Hart’s turn to cut Jake off.
“I want to be with you, Hart. Just the two of us. We can go away where no one will know who we are and it’d be just the two of us...” Jake trailed off, looking like he’d realised how stupid he sounded. Frowning, Hart twined his fingers with Jake’s, staring at their hands resting on his stomach.
“I...Jake why...?” he didn’t know what so say, so he just shook his head.
“What do you say we leave for California? Tonight,” Jake murmured, squeezing Hart’s hand gently. Hart stared at their hands, thinking hard. If they went, and someone found out, they’d get in so much trouble! What were they going to do when they got there? Did Jake even have any money for gas to actually get there? Frowning, Hart glanced up at Jake, and opened his mouth.
“Yeah, let’s go,” Hart said, much to his own surprise. He’d been about to say no, but the wrong words had come out...Jake smiled and wrapped his arms around the skinny freshman, kissing his cold ear.
Smiling again to himself, probably looking slightly creepy to any passer’s by, the memories kept coming as Jake passed dormitory number four. The time Hart had dragged him to the mall in an attempt to go shopping, the time he’d got arrested for drunk driving and having called Hart first thing, getting ridiculously drunk and doing something he’d regret for ever, the effort he’d put into valentines day, spending Christmas at school with Hart’s mistletoe stuck everywhere and all the other memories piled up in the back of his head.
The Senior paused outside dormitory number five, fidgeting slightly, and then reaching out a hand to knock three times on the solid door. Hearing footsteps run to the door made him feel even more nervous, and he gave a small smile as Hart opened the door. He let himself in to the spotless bedroom, reaching out to grab Hart’s hands with his, and kicked the door shut again with his foot.
***
Jake reluctantly prised the arms of Hart away from his waist, and peeled his own from his. Leaning forward again Jake kissed him on the forehead, letting his lips linger for more than a second before pulling away and smiling softly. He shoved his hands back in the pockets of his old leather jacket, and pondered on whether to say anything or not. Deciding it was best not to say anything, he’d only want to stay, and he couldn’t say “I love you” before he left, for what could be forever. Smiling again, he shrugged and opened his mouth, “Well… I…” and besides, he couldn’t even form enough words together to make a coherent sentence.
He felt the arms of Hart around him again, and laughed a little as the younger boy squeezed him. It was going to be hard to force himself to walk away forever, get in his car and drive all the way to New Jersey alone. With one of his hands he cupped Hart’s chin and tilted his head upwards, moving his own face closer to the freshman’s, there lips met again, and Jake couldn’t help but press closer still longingly.
Not paying attention to the time, Jake unwillingly pulled apart, breaking the kiss. Without saying anything this time, he pecked Hart on the nose and forced himself to turn away.
He really couldn’t bare staying any longer, it hadn’t really settled in his head that he was leaving for good and may not ever see Hart again, he didn’t want it to sink in and the longer he stayed the more it would.
He reached the door of Hart and Michaels dormitory and tugged at the handle, turning his head around before he left he mouthed the three words he didn’t really want to say, he had supposedly lost his voice. Leaving the room slowly, he made sure he closed the door behind him. He paused outside the door, feeling the gaze of Hart through the wood, knowing that he wouldn’t be coming back. Jake shoved his hands into his pockets again, fidgeting nervously with the material that lined them and dragged his heavy feet down the corridor and out into the car park, staring at his converse as he walked.
most of it is ramble :]
and I didn't write all of it. haha. I cheated. The parts in italics are from previous roleplays, from Brooklyn. Some being from my posts, some being from Nekos :]
So yeah ... ;]
